To All My Alabama Football Fans:

....You know you attended the University of Alabama if...your richest relative buys a new home and you have to help him take the wheels off.
....You've ever used lard in bed.
....You think potted meat on a cracker is an hors d'ouvre.
....There's a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house.
....You think a six-pack of beer and a bug zapper is quality entertainment.
....Less than half your cars run.
....Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before she tells the highway patrolman to 'kiss her butt.'
....The primary color of your car is "bondo."
....Directions to your house include the phrase, "turn off the paved road."
....You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and suggestive tongue gestures.
....Your family tree doesn't fork.
....Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school athletic event.
....Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
....You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
....You think "Volvo" is a part of a woman's body.
....The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
....You were conceived in an 18-wheeler at a truck stop on I-20.
....You've hitched a ride back to Tuscaloosa in the back of a hog truck; AND, once you got there, no one noticed the smell.
....You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
....You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
....Your mother keeps a spit cup on her ironing board.
....You've ever worn a t-shirt to a wedding.
....The most overheard phrase at your family reunions is, "What're you lookin' at, jerk?"
....You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
....You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
....You have more than two friends named "Bubba" or "Junior".
....Your father encouraged you to quit school when there was an opening on the lube rack.
....You think "Grapenuts" is a venerial disease.
....You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
....You've ever been too drunk to fish.
....You grew up thinking cream gravy was a soft drink.
....You have a rag for a gas cap.
....You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding picture was taken.